My first message
Well, hello.. I mean I'd usually start an introduction by stating my name and what I'm doing here, but uh, I think by putting my name all over this site it'd be kinda on the nose, no? So let's cut to the chase.
I've never had a space where the people around me didn't know who I am.
That makes it hard to just be myself.
I mean the real me is hardly marketable, things are just too tough right now, and a facade is necessary to progress. If a potential employer saw the kinds of things I post.. I just would feel shame, I am not a happy go lucky person. I am indifferent to many things but lately my thoughts have been riding highs and lows in an emotional sense. I do not know what my purpose is on this earth and sometimes I do really want to give up.
If I expressed these thoughts as the handle I go by, I fear it would hinder any kind of progress in my life. I wouldn't blame a potential employer choosing to not hire me simply because they view me as a risky employee, someone who'd work diligently for a few months then maybe lose motivation, and still determined to prove themselves ends up burnt out. Take a guess as to my current situation..
I don't know why I am the way that I am, I have aphantasia and no inner monologue. I do not know how I work, or even how I know things. I've had plenty conversations with friends on hypotheticals and it has revealed to me that I am much different than most people. Currently I view it as a disadvantage, although I think that the more research or time I devote to trying to understand it, that may change. Recently, maybe 3 months ago I had a period of an hour or so where I think it was just too much for me, maybe my introspection went a little too far, I was sobbing trying to piece together how it is I know what I know.
I really struggle with imposter syndrome because of this, I can't exactly point to where I learned something. I can't even remember what I last week, or the week before then or even 2 days ago lol. My memories of the past consists of knowing what major events happened, I can't picture my past, all I've got is feelings when I recount the events in my head. Recounting something in my head consists of speaking without speaking, so to speak xD.
If you ask me what my favorite anime is, you'll get a different answer depending on if I forgot the last time I'd been asked. It's really funny.
Now all of that last part is why I love photography :D. Being able to goto my personal album of moments I've experienced helps immensely. For example, last time I went to Washington D.C. for Otakon, if you ask me to describe that trip, I can tell you in a vague statement of what transpired. Now if I look at the associated album, it truly unlocks in my brain more precise detail, although now that I'm writing it I'm scared that the details it unlocks might be ficitious... but that's never happened before! or to my knowledge at least..
Annnyway, uh, welcome to my weblog I guess, I mostly made it because sometimes I consume content about a topic and I have opinions I'd like to share. Not to anyone in particular but just there are some things I want to write about, and writing in a diary is something I could never get into the habit of doing. The prospect of a weblog excites me though so I think I can keep up with it if I journal my thoughts this way.
I'm not very good at writing and I wanted to end it at that last paragraph but I need to add, that I love anime, I love early 2000s technology, I love physical media (I have a small collection I'll post about soon), I like single purpose devices (those people who have like 5-7 devices they carry everyday need to die, thats WAY too many devices to be carrying holy shit), I do curse.. sorry, uhh I love cameras, I read light novels, I try to read/play visual novels, I do not have a sleep schedule, and I am very tech literate.
- Renn
I've never had a space where the people around me didn't know who I am.
That makes it hard to just be myself.
I mean the real me is hardly marketable, things are just too tough right now, and a facade is necessary to progress. If a potential employer saw the kinds of things I post.. I just would feel shame, I am not a happy go lucky person. I am indifferent to many things but lately my thoughts have been riding highs and lows in an emotional sense. I do not know what my purpose is on this earth and sometimes I do really want to give up.
If I expressed these thoughts as the handle I go by, I fear it would hinder any kind of progress in my life. I wouldn't blame a potential employer choosing to not hire me simply because they view me as a risky employee, someone who'd work diligently for a few months then maybe lose motivation, and still determined to prove themselves ends up burnt out. Take a guess as to my current situation..
I don't know why I am the way that I am, I have aphantasia and no inner monologue. I do not know how I work, or even how I know things. I've had plenty conversations with friends on hypotheticals and it has revealed to me that I am much different than most people. Currently I view it as a disadvantage, although I think that the more research or time I devote to trying to understand it, that may change. Recently, maybe 3 months ago I had a period of an hour or so where I think it was just too much for me, maybe my introspection went a little too far, I was sobbing trying to piece together how it is I know what I know.
I really struggle with imposter syndrome because of this, I can't exactly point to where I learned something. I can't even remember what I last week, or the week before then or even 2 days ago lol. My memories of the past consists of knowing what major events happened, I can't picture my past, all I've got is feelings when I recount the events in my head. Recounting something in my head consists of speaking without speaking, so to speak xD.
If you ask me what my favorite anime is, you'll get a different answer depending on if I forgot the last time I'd been asked. It's really funny.
Now all of that last part is why I love photography :D. Being able to goto my personal album of moments I've experienced helps immensely. For example, last time I went to Washington D.C. for Otakon, if you ask me to describe that trip, I can tell you in a vague statement of what transpired. Now if I look at the associated album, it truly unlocks in my brain more precise detail, although now that I'm writing it I'm scared that the details it unlocks might be ficitious... but that's never happened before! or to my knowledge at least..
Annnyway, uh, welcome to my weblog I guess, I mostly made it because sometimes I consume content about a topic and I have opinions I'd like to share. Not to anyone in particular but just there are some things I want to write about, and writing in a diary is something I could never get into the habit of doing. The prospect of a weblog excites me though so I think I can keep up with it if I journal my thoughts this way.
I'm not very good at writing and I wanted to end it at that last paragraph but I need to add, that I love anime, I love early 2000s technology, I love physical media (I have a small collection I'll post about soon), I like single purpose devices (those people who have like 5-7 devices they carry everyday need to die, thats WAY too many devices to be carrying holy shit), I do curse.. sorry, uhh I love cameras, I read light novels, I try to read/play visual novels, I do not have a sleep schedule, and I am very tech literate.
- Renn
