So tired…
Good news! I passed my final math class. It marks the last math class I’ll be taking as part of my bachelors degree. Doing Computer Systems being who I am, programming at this level comes easy to me.
You’d think after such a tremendous accomplishment I’d feel better about school and life in general yeah? Getting such a huge load off of my back must feel amazing.
It did for a bit there, I thought wow I can finally relax and not worry about the internal debate on whether I should attend class today and just fucking relax.
Well, I feel like shit, I still feel like shit and I think I won’t stop feeling like shit until almost everything changes, that being finishing school, getting the fuck out of my current living situation, either getting a new job or establishing a routine that doesn’t make me feel like its all hopeless. And maybe I’d need to change a little bit too.
Is it odd to say that after living the same life for 21 years I’m tired of it? but I am the one who shoves myself into the box I am constrained to. Nothing is stopping me from expressing myself more freely, being more productive, doing what I want to do but me.
Perhaps it is toxic to say that I am the sole reason I am the way I am since the world is a thing that changes around you, independent of you while surely factoring into one’s capabilities and potential. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself and be proud of how far I’ve come, I work at a smartphone company and I’ve always wanted to, I have almost everything I could want. I say almost because new wants always pop up, and there are some things such as finding love, having an apartment by the beach where you can see thunderstorms through the glass panes which are there but aren’t yet a priority at this stage.
I guess I can’t help it, I want more, more beyond what I have, more beyond what I want lol. I am selfish I want it all, I want things I don’t know that I want and so I “work hard”. I do what I am able to make myself do and I’m saddened that I can’t make myself do more. I am frustrated that I can’t absorb and internalize the knowledge I want to. I want to be capable of so much more, I want to make cool things I can be proud of, I am a programmer who’s ambition is slowly draining.
By this point I am quite tired. They say LLMs make a good programmer better, but I am not a good programmer. LLMs do the opposite for me. They drain and take away from me, they corrupt like an item in a video game that’s poisoned, so it is only a useful item if you are immune to the poison.
Maybe I should’ve followed that second dream of becoming a librarian after all, maybe I should’ve chose differently in general. The clock doesn’t stop ticking no matter what you do so maybe in the next life I will do that, I’ll choose a different path and see where it leads me.
Thank you for reading my rambling, whenever I feel like this it usually goes away after a few days.
